This is a Test

Testing

Drivel

Because
I think

it prefers embedded html which means I have to

Write it myself!

Back to the old days!

Gummie Now & Then

I wish I had any easy answer but I don't. DMT claims to. I'd tell you what that is but there's now Google: you have no excuse. I eat gummy worms every night now. I've gained more weight than ever before in my life. I weigh nearly two hundred pounds. There are people to blame but the choice is my own in the end. I'm the only one who's short of breath sometimes, who's heart skips beats sometimes. I keep eating gummies and I will for at least one more night. Who cares but he (or she) who has nothing but words to give me? Wrap them up, Hallmark has a card for you. You'd think I'd be done with the entertainment room by now but I'm still working on the red paint. I really love the way it looks when it's done but it's a bitch to put on. Five or six coats at least to get it even. Easy enough for the main parts of the wall, but a real pain in the ass for the top that meets the ceiling. I hope to have it done this month but the way I've been going...I wonder if I'll be able to sell this house some day or I will die in it. I'm watching Grizzly Man Diaries now. I got tired of Mad Men and I ran out of The Dog Whisperer. I'm sort of nervous watching something that'll make me want to get out, live out there, be away from houses and computers and people. Fuck, I'd probably like people a lot more if I didn't have to live amongst them. I don't think I'd like to be eaten by a bear though. I wouldn't be terribly famous being the second guy. So what to do with my life. It's just another year. The house is still incomplete. I'm still at the bottom of the food chain. I have fewer friends than before and those social groups I built up for myself gone through the selfishness of others. Sorry, I'm ranting about that again and it doesn't matter. Talking about it won't change anything and people who hurt other people don't do anything about it until it's too late and then they tell themselves and their shrinks that they would have—and have to spend the rest of their lives deluding themselves that they might have but didn't. Sometimes I want a grave just so I can have the gravestone say something like, “You failed me”. It'd be more honest, would say so much more than “loving wife” “loving father” “loving husband”. Besides, I'm not any of those except I was once a father and I try not to remember that because it only brings up bad memories and memories of future possibilities which no one would envy. There are some things I cannot write about here which I want to so badly. Some day I hope to. Probably in twenty or thirty years. Probably never. I am surrounded by animals who are sincere and I give them one hundred and ten. It goes without saying. Get it? Good night. .a

And You Think You're Crazy

And so I continue to watch this television series. I might as well call it by name as I wouldn’t be the only person presenting an opinion of it one way or another. It’s called Paranormal State. I’ve now watched nearly every episode. Most aren’t that interesting, [imho], though there are a few that are, and there are certainly people on the program one will be attracted to, others that will stir nothing, and still others that one will be annoyed by to the extreme (for me that’s the larger guy [Chad?] who seems to go well out of his way to make even the most trivial of sights and sounds the work of some evil spiritual entity).

Today’s coffee mug will be one of the two Luke Skywalker mugs my mom gave me for Christmas. The coffee inside it is hot. I don’t know if I’ll have time to drink it. I never have enough time anymore. I want to get to work and get a ton of work done but I only get a lot. Then I have to rush home, walk the dog, get in my exercise, but for those of you that have a dog and are really committed to the relationship and the animal’s psychological health, you know it’s a large time commitment (well beyond simply walking them). So I do that get home and try to get a lot more work done then cleaning then dinner then more house work then maybe more work then...man, way too much.

I want to get back into my writing. I keep saying that. So if you’re a reader you’re probably fictional. Who would want to read me saying that over and over again? I wouldn’t. I don’t. And yet I want to learn to make everything I type meaningful, worth reading, full of depth and meaning so that some day you will come here and read...and I hope that will happen well before I die because I don’t want to be like the dead artist whose painting is hanging on a cold wall of a museum. I want my words to speak to those alive while I am alive. Then I will permit them to speak for me after my parting :)

Which brings me back to this program.

I have always been incredibly interested in the concept of life after death, ghosts, and the like. I have not, however, had any experience that could be described as ghostly except one which was more likely a fluke or my cousin playing a trick on my brother and I. I’ve had the hair on my back stand on end, I’ve felt spirits and demons, but none of these are scientifically valid outside the psychology of having an experience (that aspect is always true regardless of what’s occurring outside one’s mind), and I’ve most definitely never had an experience worth season after season of a television series.

I would absolutely love to have my own program dedicated to the investigation of the weird, the occult, the paranormal. Following are the things I’d do:

1. Refrain from manipulating the viewer via editing, sound effects, music, and the like. True, on some level it’s meant to be entertainment, but there’s a line and most paranormal reality series cross it.
2. Split the program into four parts:
   • Initial Research: This is the background research into the phenomena. For example if we’re going up to Washington State to Ape Caves to look for Big Foot here’s where the research is done and presented. This includes both book learning and interviews.
   • The Scientific Study: This is the part of the episode that explores whatever it is using the scientific method. It’s not only meant to create a valid study, but also teach the audience what the fuck science is.
   • The Paranormal Study: I’m not sure of the name of this aspect but this is the point we ask people about the hair on the back of their necks and bring in the psychics. This is the only part of the program where sound effects and music can be used to bring the viewer into the experience because it’s all about the subjective.
   • Conclusions: The final five minutes of the program wraps everything up.
3. Be honest with the viewer: As far as I can tell through my research there’s a level of dishonesty with a great many of the reality ghost programs out there. Sometimes its the producers who do research up front then do things like tell the psychics before filming--granted, it’s exciting to see a psychic make hits but I think I speak for most people when I say what we really want to see is the real McCoy (plus seeing the real thing make mistakes helps us better understand what it means to have real psychic gifts, something I can speak to). At other times it can be as simple as the editing being put together in ways such that what we’re seeing isn’t what really happened, at least not in the same way or order.
4. Don’t attempt to solve the world: So many of these programs attempt to solve the world in one episode. Take for example an episode about the Jersey Devil on Paranormal State. They go out with infra red cameras, see something, and boom, it must be the first bone fide picture of the Jersey Devil! Plus 40 or so minutes of program was enough to encapsulate the entire history of the phenomena. No, I wouldn’t do that, I’d just talk about what it is, do my research, go out there, create and experiment, perform it, blah, blah, etc, conclusion. No wild and far reaching conclusions on my program, especially when there’s no bloody baseline.
5. Professionals, No Buddy-Buddy: Another thing I want is to get professionals working on the show. What I instead see on other programs is a mix of people who are just really interested in something, want to be on camera, or are close pals with the producers/writers/stars. The result of existing reality programs is at best muddled experiments, at worst gross favouritism.
6. The star stays out: One of the biggest mistakes I notice is that the lead person on the progam is involved in nearly every aspect. For example when Ryan, the star of PS, brings Chip, one of their frequent psychics, into a house he asks, “Have I told you anything about this house?” to which Chip says, “You’ve told me nothing.” But even from a psychological point of view that’s not true! Chip’s read his body language before hand and will be during the entire walk through. Likewise if Chip is a full psychic (and I do believe he has some gifts) he could be reading Ryan’s mind the entire time. Why do I care? Why should you? Because I think I can speak for most when I say we’d rather watch a psychic give a reading without being fed queues (intentional or not). On my program someone without any knowledge of the home would be with the psychic. (P.S. Later in the series Ryan often takes another psychic who goes in blind folded--kudos, it’s a step in the right direction!!!).

There are probably a few others but I’ll leave it at that. So if you’re out there, if you’re interested, if you’re a producer and want to make a program to study this kind of thing, I’m in. I’ll write, I’ll coordinate, sometime’s I’ll star in episodes. Maybe I’ll be the Rod Sterling of the program (yeah, I’d like that), but mostly I’d like to make it something new, something worth watching, something objective, something that’d make people on both sides of the debate start talking to each other instead of barking from opposite sides of the fence.

That is all for now.

A Ghost Too Far

Lately I've been watching a new show. I won't tell you what it is because I don't want to be sued. Ha. Ha. Actually, I know my 1st Amendment rights so I'm not concerned about that, it's just late and I don't have a lot of time and energy to put into this and don't feel it would be fair for me to go into this show without taking the time to go through the logical arguments. I'll just say that the show is about a team of paranormal investigators and I want to say a few things about that. Paranormal Investigator? The term itself would be useful but it's only applicable to maybe 5% of the people actually going out their and investigating the paranormal, the other 95% are...well, they're out there for a lot of different reasons, just not true, rigorous scientific inquiry. On this show there is definitely some scientific interest...but mostly it's a bunch of meddling. I propose two new terms and whichever one I want, the opposite one will catch on. I hope they'll be used to describe these kinds of folk but I think they'll just be used to describe people who believe in something different and make fun of them. Whatever. I propose instead of "Paranormal Investigator" non-serious types be called "Paranormal Instigators" or "Paranormal Perpetrators". A Paranormal Instigator is someone who goes into a situation and instigates something that wasn't there in the first place or who's presence makes it worse. For instance consider the situation where a child is seeing a monster and the mother believes it's some sort of bone-fide demon. The "Instigator" comes into the house. If the demon is real they meddle, pissing it off, instigating more eruptions of paranormal activity. If the demon is actually a psychological manifestation and reality made worse by the concerns of the parent (which is usually the case--sorry believers, Occam's razor sad but true!), then the Instigator, by coming in and making a big deal about it all with their equipment and "experts" and what not, reinforces the parent's anxiety and instead of teaching ways to calm the child makes things worse. A Paranormal Perpetrator comes into a place and comes off like an expert, but all they do is perpetrate another belief system. This is one of the most common things I see on these shows, they come into the house, they experience a cold spot in a room, and boom, it's a ghost. Isn't it possible that cold spots happen? Where's the evidence to connect this specific cold spot--if any at all--to ghosts? The perpetrator takes evidence that would otherwise be unconnected and attached a metaphysical explanation to it. The most common example of both is "dead time". This is when all the investigators stay overnight at some haunted place with their video cameras, night vision, infra red cameras, volt meters, electromagnetic readers, psychics, and magic chewawas. They jump to sounds and shadows that are and aren't there. The meaningless and trivial becomes a haunting. Question: After moving to a new house or apartment have you noticed how it takes you awhile to get used to the sounds at night? I have. I wake up all the time to this creek and that groan. Sometimes it even freaks me out but I remind myself, "New house, calm down, go back to sleep." Now consider this: these people are, like you and I, regular human beings. They're walking into homes they've never been in before and staying up all night. They're turning off the lights, hence their vision isn't very good and their perception is focused largely on sounds (which they wouldn't necessarily notice if the lights were on). Question: Who made the rule that ghosts necessarily just come out when the lights turn off? Anyway, I'm not a fan of Perpetrators or Instigators. Both may have valid beliefs, both may show elements of true scientific inquiry, but both are quacks and both can be dangerous to their clients. They're not "warriors" as some may claim. They're there for the purposes of thrill seeking, they're there to have fun, they're there to be on TV, to make advertise and make money, they're there for ego. Do you ever stop to consider if there's a soul there that they might want to be left alone? Have you ever considered that a spirit has every right to exist as we do, that they have a right to exist without being screwed with? How would you feel if someone took over your TV, your radios, and your computer, so whenever they wanted they could take them over and send you messages like, "Are you there? If you're there then respond. Click a key. Any key. Or send a file. Are you there? We want to talk with you. Don't be a coward! Take off your clothes and take a shot on your web cam! We want to know what you look like! In the name of Jesus you have no right to be here, get the fuck out!" Watch these shows and ask yourself out of 5 episodes, how many did they do this on? 1 of 5? Actually it's closer to 5 of 5 for any and all of these investigative shows and it's sorta sick--actually it's very sick--and I can't help but feel sad because those with psychological problems will usually go downhill (it takes a community with ongoing support to cast out psychological demons) and sad because those with real demons will also go downhill (telling a demon who feeds on fear to go fuck itself then taking off for the next show ain't going to protect a household--they're not stupid and know the visitors' intent). So I wish I could spend more time writing but I think my focus for this year (outside of writing at work, of course) is to more clearly articulate my thoughts as quickly as possible without going back and doing rewrites. I have spent most of my life rewriting and have lost the ability to get my thoughts out at all so I need to work on that now. Goodnight, .a

Alone in bed, gummies in my head

So here we are alone, in bed. The TV is on. Cool air is coming through the window. Anij, my rescue, is sleeping on the floor to my left. On the outside everything is normal. On the inside it is anything but. I want to write again but it is easier said that done. I am no longer Aslynn. I am no longer who I was. I do not know who I am anymore, I only know I cannot be held in a cage. All my goals, all the goals of my life before, children, wife, family, home, future, they're all gone. There's nothing there where they were anymore. There's nothing there. I don't know how to explain it and *please* do not attempt to console me with something empty. I do not understand what I am going through so there is no possible way you could either. I do know I like sour gummy worms before bed. My parents are here for the evening. They came over for a commission for the blind meeting which they do once every few months. They leave at noon tomorrow--which reminds me, need to set the alarm. Afterwards I plan to get some things done around the house, things done and then a trip to the dog park then more things done. I'm behind on so much. I want to sell this house and move. I don't know where. I love this house, don't get me wrong, but I want to get away from it, find some freedom. I perchance thought I might go live in a Buddhist Temple because I see so much of that inside of me but then remembered I cannot be boxed like that for a day without going mad. I can't be boxed in anything anymore it seems. It all tires me. It all bores me. I suppose when the world tells you time and time again you don't completely belong in one place or another you finally accept it and don't want to be one place too long. You don't understand what I mean. I don't know what I believe about the psychic anymore. What I do know is that I'm exceptionally sensitive right now and am prone to the negative. Why? I'm constantly on the verge of a panic attack. Why? Many, many reasons but one is all the cr*p they've put me on over the years and no my ever so sane choice to get off. Who would want to live their life like this? I wouldn't. I don't. If you are my friend just do it. And now I go. Goodnight.

This is a Test

This is also the first journal entry I've written on Linux (that I'm aware of). I'm using a freeware program called "Drivel". Why? Probably because this is a bunch of drivel. I'm glad I got it to work though. I was going to write using the web based interface but I really don't like doing that except in a pinch when I'm using someone else's computer and I have something on my mind when I really have something to say. Obviously that doesn't happen as often anymore as it used to. I've become a different person. It's late. I hope I can get to sleep at a decent time tonight. I want to get up at a decent time tomorrow. I've been sleeping away far too many weekends. Anyway...gonna get off here for now. Write more at a better time...just wanted to test this out. .a

The Human Race

The universe is 13.7 billion years old according to a documentary written by Stephen Hawking.

Every now and then I think about that. I ponder it and in that moment I can see all the way from the start to the present to the end and if I’m lucky I can detach myself from this story I call my life and say, “Wow.” Frankly, I wish I could do that more often. Frankly, I wish that were my normal state of being.

I just got back from reprimanding my dog, Anij, from eating the cat food--again. She only started doing it recently--I won’t go into the specifics--but it’s been driving me nuts over the last few days and I have to babysit her downstairs all the time now or she’ll purposefully follow me, make sure I’m busy (say in the bathroom), then sneak to it, eat it all as fast as possible, then lay back down and pretend not to have been gone. She knows she’s been doing it. She knows I know she’s been doing it. But the benefit of getting away with it outweighs the consequences...so now it’s going to take me several weeks to remove a behavior that wasn’t an issue...and I wish I could just sit on a hill and meditate on the sunrises and sunsets (well, mostly the sunsets).

I want to put aside time to write in my journals again. I want to take time to put notes. I want what I have to say to be worth reading. And I want you to get something out of it, something more than checking on me to see if I’m still alive or checking on me because you’re lonely and everyone else has taken advantage of you (and you know I won’t), more than I’ve died and you’re trying to make sense of it.

Where did my coffee go?

I probably shouldn’t be drinking it so late. It makes me anxious. I shouldn’t be drinking it at all. But I like the taste. I like that it takes away the first sense of anxiety I have during the day. I met with one of my many doctors yesterday and he indicated to get off one of the medications I’ve been trying to will possibly cause me to feel this way for months. I don’t know if I can do that. The last few months have quite literally felt like six. I can barely believe it was only November a few months back, that I’ve only had a dog for a few months. I feel like I’ve lived with her for at least a year. I wonder, perhaps, if much of this is because I’m psychically tuned into someone for whom the world turns very slow, the byproduct of young age and even younger perspective.

Tomorrow will be a full day. I’m going to attempt getting up early and heading into work. I have a doctors appointment which will take me away. I will also be leaving to volunteer for OPB. That and volunteering at the homeless shelter every few months are the only volunteer opportunities I am involved in since I left--or was ostrasized, after a fashion, from my spiritual community. I’d like to be involved in more but I have come to believe that a species that picks and chooses who it cares for doesn’t exactly deserve to be cared for by people who very much need such support and don’t get it when they ask. Put another way, there are certain groups of people who by default get our sympathy, understanding, and support, like an unemployed, homeless mother--but a homeless, unemployed father gets less sympathy, understanding, and support. Try being an employed employed man with few to no support systems most of his life, with a chronic illness, with various other challenges, and, well, I’m lucky to have a job and I’m lucky for things like Netflix or I think I’d loose my marbles.

Anyway, I want to get some more programming done before my partner arrives then not sure what the plans are for the evening except I know I’m going to take it pretty easy.

.a