Around and Around

I woke up this morning with a song reverberating in my head.  It was a song about courage, about changing the world for the better, about standing hand in hand both in friendship and in disbelief of the purity and beauty of it all.  In the dream there were a bunch of people at the dining room table and the song was coming from the stereo system but no one was listening or more accurately no one was hearing.  I turned down the volume, woke up, and lay there pondering this vision.

There were other dreams but I won’t go into them as I recall even less.

Where does that leave me?  Dancing alone I suppose.  And yet I do not want to.  I want a partner to grace upon the dance floor, to look into her elegance, her small, delicate hands in mine, oh but they betray the strength within her.  And then we sit and play together, me on my cello, she…

Deepak Chopra says there are a million possibilities.  This is how the future works.  It is not set in stone but fluid as we have the gift to freely choose every moment and every day.  And yet there is also Fate as there are rules to this three dimensional space we occupy.  Those who believe in complete pre-destination or complete freedom are wrong.  It’s both.  It is both.

I am surrounded by visions.  I see the possibilities.  Karma flows around me, over me, under me, through me.  Though I do not believe in numerology (it’s hard for anyone with a clear understanding of mathematics to) I do think there’s something to numbers and probabilities and their relation to outcomes, quantum physics, and so forth.  Sometimes I see two outcomes as being the most likely, sometimes up to five or six.  Usually it’s three.

I currently see three.

The interesting part about this is that possible futures are always the result of a choice, either mine or someone else’s.  They’re never a result of randomness or circumstance.  I could win the lottery one day, for example, hit it big.  That reality, I believe, is set in stone.  It is Fate.  But whether or not someone will choose to be my friend, whether or not someone will choose to stand up for me or forgive me, whether or not I choose life or death, those things are matters of choice and those choices create the various futures.

Understanding visions, going on a vision quest, so to speak, becomes even more complex when one considers the differences and interrelationships between ones choices and the decisions of others.  I, for instance, cannot make others act or behave in a certain way, but I can influence them by my thoughts, words, and actions.  At the same time, I am 100% responsible for my own thoughts, feelings, and choices—but I am likewise influence by others thoughts, feelings, and choices.  The intermingling of karma is subtle and infinitely complex.  It is no wonder, to me at least, why so few are able to see into the future.  Add our egos, our fears, our hopes and dreams, our conditioning, our mammalian brains into the picture, and it’s no wonder all we see is what we know.

It can be a burden sometimes and sometimes I do not know what to do with it.  If I have a vision of another do I share it?  Do I need to?  Does it matter?  Do I have a right to?  And if I have a vision for myself what do I do with that?  Some visions, for instance, are more akin to Fate, things that I can do nothing about but others can.  Take for instance I see a friend getting in a car wreck and I know the day and place.  I can tell them not to drive that day or avoid that area of town.  If they listen they’re safe.  If they don’t, boom!  Nearly every time I’ve told someone about the “wreck” people still get in the car and drive that day and exactly where I tell them not to.  The wreck happens.  I tell them, “I told you so.”  Or I don’t.  Nowadays I don’t so much.  I don’t feel the need to prove myself to other people as much, if at all.  I do want to be acknowledged.  I would like my skills to be helpful.  I want to make a difference but as I said the only thing I have complete control over are my own choices.

What will I do with those choices now?

It’s hard, it’s so very, very hard.  I see a future bright and clear as day, a future where I’m with another and I’m happier than I’ve been in my entire life.  I’m complete, I’m fulfilled, and she is too.  There are some bumps at first and a few key issues to get out of the way but afterwards things just keep looking up.  We travel.  We play music together.  We write.  We talk late into the nights.  And we dance.

I’m not going to share any more regarding these visions as they’re somewhat private.  I hope you will respect that.

So why is that hard?  Well, for one it’s not my decision and knowing that realities waits there and is as real as this keyboard and monitor is…it’s hard to have patience, to simply be and focus on all those things I have complete control over such as my health, my hobbies, my job.  And yet that’s what I’m going to do and for the first time in my adult life I believe I can completely do that.  Why?  Because over the last few months I’ve done some things I never quite had in me before.  Love and Truth have always stood equally in my life but something happened and I put Love before Truth.  If you understand how important Truth is to me then you’d understand how difficult that was; I’d have an easier time voting Republican, lol.

*sigh*

Yeah, it was hard.

I apologize if I’m on a bit of a ramble today.  I’m not making excuses but things are very busy and I’m writing in the down moments while I wait for things to build’n’compile.  Then again it’s my prerogative to ramble from time to time and today just happens to be one of those days so I shall continue on my merry way :-)

I want that path, the one in another’s hands.  Sure, there are other futures where I can find some semblance of happiness, but not nearly to this degree, not even close, and the other paths will require even more patience, time, and hard work on my part.  Why not, I have thought, prepare for both possibilities?  Why not life weights and exercise and eat healthier and get my body so I’m lean and mean looking so women and men both do a double take when I’ve got my shirt off working out in the garden (not that I see myself doing that often, lol)?  Why not meditate on a regular basis to clear my mind and gain more focus?  Why not become more conscious of my energetic body and learn to control and maintain the health of my energetic body as well as my physical one?

Why not?

And so that is the path before me.  It opens up a great many doors while closing none.

I’m also focusing a great deal of my attention on those aspects of myself I want to keep or more accurately heal and give some (a lot of) TLC.  My love of Truth, for instance, has been such an integral part of my life and of expressing myself honestly and sincerely and yet I don’t believe I am capable of holding such a high value on both Love and Truth at the same time or at least not to the same extent and as recent choices have demonstrated to me Love is more important (to me) than expressing my personal Truth so I choose to build and work on improving my ability to Love Unconditionally.  Two other aspects of my personality are—or more accurately were—Hope and Faith.  Do I work on those?  Can I?

Hope.  I have always Hoped that I would lead a happy life and that people that came into my life would treat me in a way I know I deserve, that they would see me for who I am, seek me out, appreciate what I do as amazing and beyond the norm.  I don’t have that anymore.  Though I choose health and long life I don’t have any Hope that it will be a happy one.  Contentment?  Perhaps at some point I will find it, but not happiness.

Faith.  When I speak of Faith I do so in terms of human kind.  I have always believed that people are inherently good, that when push came to shove people would do the right thing.  I no longer believe that.  Indeed, I believe I am one of the rare people willing to sacrifice in order to do what is right, what is Loving.  Perhaps I am only fooling myself, but this is how I feel, this is what I’ve seen or at least my interpretation of what I’ve seen.

I want so much to be proven wrong.

Challenge for today:  prove me wrong!  By gods, prove me wrong!

I have never been without Hope and Faith.  Indeed, I never thought I could survive without them.  Indeed, I am ever so aware that I am daily on the precipice without them; it is a danger I must accept with a courage words cannot describe.  Without them I do not know how to live, how to be, except to take the next moment as this one and the next and the next and the next, to be open to possibilities, to never give up…and that’s the irony, that sentence can so easily be ended with “Hope” or “Faith” and yet I stop there, unable to find them.  It’s as if the person I was earlier this year is gone replaced by the one I am now, still a beautiful, amazing person, but now with a certain emptiness.  And yet unlike previously in my life, unlike so many of us do out of fear or hunger, I do not reach to fill up this void but am instead allowing it to air out.  That too is an unusual thing, a new thing.

My new teacher has helped me some in this regard.  She’s helped clean space from my heart and soul.  The weeks afterwards were hard, having all that space left me somewhat off balance at times.  In situations X I knew I’d usually do Y but I wasn’t anymore.  Maybe I’d do A or B or maybe I wouldn’t do anything at all but observe and let X come and go.  She did help me put one piece back though, my flag held so high over me my entire life with a dragon dancing in the wind ready to fly above me as my guide and protector as I headed into battle.  I do not want to give up that part of myself; I do not want to put my armor on a shelf.

(Shit, that sounded like Dr. Seuss!)

I’m not sure if I should continue writing anymore, so says one of my guides who also gave me instructions for the weekend.  Or was it an angel?  Or am I an angel?  Or will I become one?  I do know this, when I do pass, when this body is no more, there are some I will go to protect, to guide, and to love.  I keep my promises and that is part of me I never wish to give up or let go of.

Cordially, sincerely, and with Unconditional Love,

 

Aslynn “Thunder Bunny” Meyers