Preface

I have been writing journals since my earliest memory. I have been keeping blogs since around 1995. And I have stopped writing blogs three times now.
This is my latest attempt.

There was a time I shared every thought and feeling I had without fear or limit. And then shit hit the fan (as if I’ve ever had a year of my adult life without used cat litter being dumped down the back of my shirt) and I stopped. Then I started and I stopped. Then I started again but this time I hardly wrote a thing. Short, meaningless spits over the bridge and into the river. It seemed the only purpose was to help assure people I was still alive.
That is a miserable way to live.

Truth is I don’t know how to live any more. For my entire life I lived by a strong set of ethical codes and values only to find that these were not ones others lived by. Sure, honesty, integrity, loyalty, kindness, compassion, empathy, they’re all given lip service, they’re all followed to the letter when others want something from me, but once I’ve been used up, once times become difficult, those values get thrown to the wayside, as do I.
I am sick and tired of people treating me in this fashion. I deserve to be treated better!

A few months ago I met an intuitive. After only spending an hour with me in a group of others then getting in touch via e-mail she was able to recognize something no one else ever has: “No one’s ever stood on your side of the line.” In 37 years of my life not a single person has stood up for me. Not one.

I should note here that I do have one or two wonderful friends that Love me in the truest sense of the word. They’ve been there for me when I’ve asked and helped me get over some mountainous humps. When I say no one’s ever stood on my side I mean that during difficult times, when someone has wronged me in some fashion, no one has taken my side against the other person or persons.

Why is this such a big deal?

Consider for a moment that human beings are a tribal species. We tend to be protective of those closest to us while fearing those who are not. Now ask yourself if you’ve ever had a time where someone talked behind your back, insulted you, stole from you, cheated on you, something unspeakable terribly that literally knocked you down with the heaviness of tears: was someone there for you? Did someone go to the other person and say, “This shall not stand!”? I’m betting you have one or many instances of someone, a friend, a family member, a lover, standing in your corner, going up to the plate and batting for you.

I do not.

Three months or so ago I came the closest I have ever come in the last 20 years to taking my life. I have not told anyone that, at least not in so many words. Why have I decided to share it now? Simple: I believe I have the absolute right to live or die and will let no one, be they person, institution, or government, take that or my freedom away from me.

So what happened? How was I going to “off” myself? And who gives a rats ass?

Maybe I’ll share that. Maybe I won’t. All I’m going to say for now is that in my late teens and early twenties is was sloppy attempt after stupid attempt and wouldn’t you have too if your “friends”, instead of inviting you out to the parties, made bets on whether or not you’d kill yourself? Wouldn’t you do too if you got called names and spit on nearly every day in the halls of your high school? Wouldn’t you too if nobody told them: “Stop!”

I was literally one spark away and nobody would have ever known if I hadn’t have said that now.

Now that I am 37 there is no more sloppiness. If and when I make the choice it will be as simple as that. I may not even leave a note. If people don't know why then they weren't paying attention, which is almost always the case for suicides.

I think it's sad.

I have always wondered if anyone would learn anything if I did. I think of those people I’ve known or friends have who have been so traumatized by life’s events that they made that fatal decision. I don’t know of any that taught anyone anything. Even if they screamed out to the world, even if they tried to communicate what was going on, even if they tried to change things for the better, even if they said to someone, "I need you to stand up for me," in the end all that they were, all that happened, was hushed up in silence. No one wants to talk about the Truth. No one wants to take responsibility. No one wants to take fault. No one is willing to learn.

The Truth is an uncomfortable thing.

I didn't for only two reasons. 1. It would have killed my mother. 2. It would have ripped the heart out of my best friend Sophie. Other than that there would have been complete and utter silence. No one would have known. My house would have been sold and it would have been as if I’d just decided to change addresses.

I want you to imagine for a moment I had taken my life. I want you to imagine how that would have effected you and the reality that you have no more choices available to you where I am concerned. And I want you to ask yourself what you would have done differently—and why you aren’t that person now.

Every moment is a moment for change. Every moment is a moment for hope. The only limits on our lives, our choices and our happiness, are the ones we impose upon ourselves. Every chance we have to connect with another human being in a meaningful way, to love and be loved in return, is an absolutely priceless gift no one has a right to simply ignore.

The price of silence is too high and I for one cannot afford it.

As you now see, this blog will not be an easy read. If you want to learn, if you want to grow, if you want to become a better person who challenges their very view of reality, stretching and strengthening their mental and spiritual muscles, then come back here often. I will challenge you. I will promise you Truth. I will share knowledge and wisdom that can only be learned by going through hell and living to tell the tale, only I will save you the hell I've been through! I will encourage you to be all that you are capable of being. And I will stumble. I will mispell. And I will stand tall, speak firm, and carry a big stick as did the Zen master Rinzai. And if you are lucky I may just open my heart to you.

There are few who can say the same.

To all others I say turn back, there is nothing for you here but empty words and visions. Your path is set is stone. You are doomed by your fears.



Aslynn S. Meyers