Something

Today started as any other weekday. The alarm went off and I hit snooze. Ten minutes passed and it went off again. I slapped snooze and lay there with one question on my mind: “Do I get up now, take a shower, or get some extra sleep this morning and shower this evening?” This morning I decided to sleep in. The alarm goes off once more, I get up, dress, brush my teeth, feed the cats, grab my briefcase, and head out the door, get in the Jeep, light a cigar, drive to work, throw cigar in the ash tray, head up, put my things on the desk, setup the iPad, use the restroom, grab some coffee, then check my e-mail. If I’m having an usually exciting morning I might grab some coffee then use the loo.

I want something to look forward to.

I sat at my desk this afternoon, newly moved from the Entertainment Room to the “Family” Room, when the iMac, iPad, and iPhone all blinked the reminder: “Therapy @ 4:00pm”. When I open my calendar that’s what I find. That’s all I find. Therapy appointment, doctor’s appointment, massage. I have to pay for human touch.

I wanted to skip but that costs $120 a pop; insurance doesn’t cover a no show. So I went and it was, as usual, completely useless. I update her on my life, we discuss my meds, she asks questions, and she empathizes, validates, and tries giving me another perspective. Problem is there isn’t a perspective anyone’s given me that I haven’t already mulled over at length. Problem is there’s nothing wrong with my brain or physiology. I’ve gone through the tests. I’ve been psychoanalyzed up one end and down the other. I obtained two degrees in large part to better understand myself. The conclusion has been conclusive: I’ve had a traumatizing life and am having a perfectly human response. Another perspective, and something that was shared with me by a life coach of sorts, was that there are some of us that therapy doesn’t work for because we understand ourselves more than any therapist, no matter how knowledgable and gifted, will ever hope to; for us few we are our best psychotherapists. So when she asked to reschedule I told her I didn’t want to for a month and a half this time. Talking was doing me no good and the only reason I go, really, is to discuss medication interactions and the like; by end of year I will likely stop going as I plan to discontinue all medications as they have not helped (with the exception of lorazipam which did dull the edge so I didn’t take it to my wrists months back) and frankly I’d rather just do natural things like eat healthy, exercise, get good rest, meditate, and focus on what I have control over in this world, that spend the rest of my life reliant on medications that are essentially life vests for someone that keeps getting tossed off the Love Boat whenever someone discovers me at the bar.

I’m not a fucking stowaway.

I’m doing what I can. My diet has improved substantially. I haven’t been excercising but on moving the desk I’ve also put setup my exercise equipment (while I can’t jog anymore I hope to be able to get enough cardio and weight training to give myself a killer physique). I get seven to eight hours of sleep a night. I meditate, I pray. I’ve been actively seeking out friendships on a web site dedicated to pen pals from all over the world and have met some wonderful people in Japan, Germany, Mexico, England, and yes, a few here in the States. I’m actively engaged in extra curricular activities to keep myself busy such as photography, sewing, painting, and wood working. I spend time playing with the cats. I go out with my friend Sophie. I stretch. I see a therapist, an energy worker, and a massage therapist. But none of this will heal me because I need the one thing all people need: I need someone to believe in me...and goddamnit I need something to look forward to.

Your exercise for the day is simply this: what is the next thing you’re looking forward to? If it’s less than two weeks away I want you to do one more thing: take it and everything else you’re looking forward to over the next two weeks off your schedule, delete them from your computer and phone, erase them from your calendar, call in sick, cancel with your friends, commit yourself for the next two weeks to willfully live without. I’d suggest one week but anybody can do a week so I challenge you to two full weeks of commitment towards nothing but your job or your studies, your hobbies, the simple things in life, but not the things that get you out, that require other people and invitations. During this time I’d like you to keep a journal. Once the two weeks are up I want you to ask yourself one question: how do you believe the experience would have differed if it had not been by choice?

Then check out Maslow’s Hierarcy of Needs. Check it out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow’s_hierarchy_of_needs

*sigh*

Goodnight,

.a