Get This

I slept through both alarms this morning, integrating them into my dreams, literally having a dream and inside that dream I thought I was dreaming that my alarms were going off.  It was like one of those episodes of Star Trek, The Next Generation, where Riker was in a screwed up universe inside another screwed up universe, trapped.  I did get up though, threw my clothes on, skipped brushing my teeth (brought my tooth brush in to work), and am now here working, working, working.

I am awake now—mostly.  In a bit I need to head down to Napa auto parts to pick up an adapter for my truck.  I’m in the process of purchasing a trailer from a friend of my partner and it’s the one I’ve been looking for for a year.  Going to go camping this weekend so I’m looking forward to having it to put my gear in instead of cramming everything in the back of the Jeep (which won’t be nearly as easy given I’ll have two companions, 1 human + 1 canine).  Oh yeah, and I need to pick up a couple fishing licenses in case we decide to go out fishing too!  Gonna be chilly but at least it should be dry and I’m just looking forward to being out there in my tent, sitting by a nice, warm fire, reading, writing, enjoying the fresh air, throwing the past into the fire, starting anew, and enjoying my steak (I always cook up a steak when I go camping).  Hmmmm…  Maybe I should get an MRE for one of the days.  Chicken pot pie!  lol  We’ll see if I have time to head down to the Army Surplus and pick one or two up.

The next three days will be pretty tight.  Today it’s Napa, licenses, work, home, motorcycle over to Saint Johns and pick up my beau, return home, swap the bike for the Jeep, head to Hillsboro to pick up the trailer, return home, swap the Jeep for the bike, grab a bite to eat, head back to Saint Johns, head home, sleep, wake, work, work, work, head to—oh no, I forget, must remember!!!—work, work, work, home, work, head to Hillsboro to work overnight at the homeless shelter, sleep, get up at the ass crack of dawn, get everyone on their way, head home, grab the gear, pack the truck, head out to pick up my buddies, then out to the forest for several days of nature!  In there somewhere I must pack, pack, pack, get groceries, pick up firewood, and a few other things.  Bugger!

This will be a very different experience, a very different weekend.  For one thing, I haven’t camped with company for quite some time.  Indeed, one of the reasons I started camping this summer was to remind myself that I could still enjoy things on my own if I must and so I went out three or four times and while I suffered great moments of loneliness I also benefited from the joys of the trees, streams, back roads, rock quarries, and strategically placed out houses!  For another I haven’t been to this neck of the woods since I was physically assaulted.  So I expect it to be a very healing experience for me; a simply beautiful one.

Yesterday on my way home I was thinking how it doesn’t matter how far I’ve come, I’ve always got that much further to go.  I used to have this idea that I’d somehow hit a pinnacle of “perfection” and I could lay back comfortably but that’s so far from the truth.  I’m always growing.  I’m always finding areas of myself that could stand improvement and even those that don’t require regular washing and waxing to shine in the sun.  So yeah, going out into the forest is never as simple (for me) as jumping in a truck, driving, and pitching a tent, there’s always considerably more involved on emotional, physical, psychological, and spiritual levels.  

I’ve also reached a place in my growth where I don’t know what to expect in terms of my personal journey.  For most of my life it was the exact opposite.  If given a situation I knew how I’d feel, think, how I’d react.  Give me a hypothetical in a mathematical sort of way:  Suppose it is 10pm, I’m tired, and a telemarketer calls me.  I know I would be angry but polite, yet tell them that they were not welcome calling me and that it was a violation of federal law with a stiff monetary penalty.  Simple.  Another:  Assume my early child hood friend Teague sends me an e-mail saying she was thinking about me and wondering what I was doing.  Response:  I’d feel a quick sense of “Awe, that’s nice” followed by a stabbing pain in my gut, anger, irritation that she demonstrated no clue how she effected my life, and I’d probably spend days thinking and writing until a week or two later I had a response that would be straight but polite about the damage she’d done.  Always known myself, always known myself.

Something’s changed.

I don’t think it’s that I don’t know myself.  I think it’s more than I’m willing to “go with the flow”, so to speak, in a manner and to an extent that I’ve never done before.  So instead of saying to myself, “This is how Aslynn would react if Teague contacted me”, I say, “I will allow it to happen when it happens and how it happens.”  It is interesting too.  For much of my life I used to role play situations over and over in my head.  I did this because I was shy while I was young then socially anxious when I was older (to the point of being terrified by some social situations such as public speaking or talking with authority figures) so I’d practice, scripting my responses over and over in my head so I didn’t f*ck up and look like a complete idiot.  I suppose I was holding myself to too high of a standard because I was smart and talented so I felt I needed to be socially adept but knew I had a squeaky voice and had trouble articulating myself (and even stuttered if I was extremely nervous, especially if I was tired too)—also, since I didn’t have practice socializing much of my life my brain wasn’t wire to think and talk at the same time.  Input and output had to be done separately so as soon as I started talking my mind turned off and I’d find myself stumbling.  Perhaps (and this is a tangent) this is why many an adept socialite seems vaccuous; perhaps the brain is truly wired to focus it’s attention on input or output and not doing both at the same time well.

Oh, where was I?

So yeah, I know myself even better than ever before, but there’s this new found ability to let the future unfold as it will and respond to that future in a way congruent to the person I’m growing into.  Sometimes it’s unsettling but for the most part I feel more confident, resolved, and calm.  Of course it could also be that I have—well—a sixth sense when it comes to the future so there’s not a lot that surprises me (except those things I’m intentionally not looking for).  This also encourages me to simply let things unfold so I’m not constantly focused on the visions I experience.

So yeah (I say as I repeat myself), I am looking forward to this new step on my journey as an immortal being in this mortal body.  I’m looking forward to healing and being close to someone who cares about me while I do.  I’m looking forward to being treated well which my partner does (and will take me some time to get used to—though I will *never* take it for granted!!!).  I’m looking forward to sleeping in the cool, outside air.  I’m looking forward to walking the doggie (believe it or not!).  I’m looking forward to talking late into the midnight hours.  I’m looking forward to listening to Coast to Coast AM one of the nights.  I’m looking forward to making yummie meals and sipping tea and coffee.  I’m looking forward to hikes.  Doh, no quarried up there so no looking forward to that but with the trailer I may just have to take my recurve up and take some shots!  Too bad I can’t bring my kitties, after they got over the hugeness of being outside in a forest I’m sure they’d love climbing the trees! ;-)

Alright, that’s enough for today, gotta get an e-mail out, fuckus on a few things so I can run those errands in the list somewhere’s above.  I do hope you are well.

Namaste,

Aslynn