I almost didn’t get out of bed today but decided it would be better to. I’m glad for it. The day has started out well. I must maintain that mindset that it will continue forward in that fashion. I think it will be a good day overall.
It’s been some time since I’ve written. Duh. I’m stating the obvious. I need to get back into writing. Duh. I’m stating the obvious again. This is the kind of thing that is making it difficult for me to write. To express myself.
I have never had a problem expressing myself. Whether it be through words, art, or going on a motorcycle ride, I’ve always been able to translate my thoughts and feelings into some sort of external expression. Over the last three or so years that ability has been tested, tested, tested. Then this year a series of events unfolded, pounding the living shit out of my voice or “throat chakra” as some refer to it. I stopped writing or barely ever wrote. Didn’t matter if it was online or off.
I just stopped talking.
What’s made this more poignant is the fact that I’m now in a friendship and relationship that is the most healthy and fulfilling of my entire life yet I’m not voicing things in the way I once would have. It’s just not coming out. It’s not that I’m silent, it’s that this need and gift to be 100% visible to another human being is no longer an ever present aspect of my life, my personality, my flow. No more. And I need to get it back.
As part of that I’ll be focusing some energy on my online journals. I think it’ll be a bit different than before. I am going to be allowing myself to simply talk, carry on a rambling monologue if necessary. I think far too much about every single word, my message, what I’m communicating to the world. I’m worried about how I effect people, both the people I love as well as those I don’t particularly want to have anything to do with (anymore). I worry about the energy it will bring into my life. And so on and so forth.
Actually, that’s something that’s been with me for years, but no so much as a worry but as a thoughtful conscientious reflection on my effect on the world. What’s been added is the anxiety plus a sense that what I have to say has no value. I feel as if I could talk and talk and talk and talk and no matter how much time and energy I put towards saying something of worth and value it either won’t be read, won’t be understand, will have a negative impact on the world, make me look like a fool…essentially that some day I’m going to die and will be forgotten about so what’s the point of sitting here and writing all of this?
I don’t know if I’m sounding pathetic or like a fool. That’s part of the excercise. I can have that feeling but I need to keep writing anyway. I can express that sentiment but I…oh, this is all so frustrating. My morning started out so good then this morning there was a slight bump in the road and yet again I’m thinking, “Wow, I' need to speak up, I need to say something, but I’m so very tired.” I’m tired of feeling like I need to stand up for myself and I’m tired of having to plan these conversations and I’m tired of feeling like so many people assume that I’ve done something wrong instead of really, really looking at the big picture.
So I’m trying not to be negative but there’s definitely some anxiety entering in so I’m going to divert my focus to other things I”m working on in my life.
1. Home improvement projects currently include finishing the shelf in the upstairs bathroom, finish painting the entertainment room, cleaning up the front and back yards, and a few other odds and ends.
2. Crafting projects include two quilting projects/gifts, taking pictures of odds and ends to sell on Craigslist, putting a new sink fixture into the master bathroom, sewing curtains and clothes, writing, and much, much more.
3. Reading.
4. Working on root and throat chakras.
5. Getting my life exactly where I want it.
You know, it’s strange. Every year within a week of the beginning of the year I have a sense for what the coming year will be about. It took me a few weeks or so extra this time around but I finally figured out that it was about getting on top of things. The events of this year seemed to blow that away but somehow lately it feels like there’s a potential for finally being there by the end of the year (at least finding the entrance to the path as well as a map!). A month or so I would have been very cynical about it but after finally meeting the woman and friend and soul mate I’ve spent so much of my life looking for, seeing so much of my personal life turn around, that I now feel that’s more than a statistical possibility that I’ll get this…and I’m feeling impatient to get there, on top, ready.
Anyway, that’s it for now. I’m going to commit to writing at least twice a week and at least a page each time. I don’t foresee writing anything of enormous merit and I can’t say it will be for anyone’s benefit but my own. And forwarning, I may say things that upset you. C’est la vie. I need to focus on myself for once—at least in my writing, at least in finding my voice again.
Until later,
Aslynn
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