Physical Therapy

Excuse me for a moment, I’m right in the middle of nearly a week long Medium Marathon.  That and I’ve been working 12 – 14 hour days (minus a much, much needed three day weekend).  There may be breaks and tears in my stream of thought, bumps in my wording.  Thank the gods for spell checkers, at least I’ll get that right.

I’m writing this, in part, to regain my voice, a muscle that’s been damaged and atrophied over the years, one that needs some serious physical therapy if I’m to live a life worth living.  I used to write daily, both online and in my personal, private, journals.  Emotional and physical abuse made that more and more difficult.  I began questioning myself, everything I thought, everything I wrote.  I stopped writing for nearly a year.  I met someone, I started healing, finding my voice again, then found myself on the receiving end of sexual abuse (yeah, weird I know, men being on the receiving end of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse—it does happen, folks, and much, much more than most men would willingly admit).  My writing became intermittent.  Maybe once or twice a month.  Maybe only in my personal journal.  Usually just, “Here I am again, haven’t written in awhile, tired, life sucks, waiting for change, working on it, keeping my nose up.  Yipee.”

I don’t want to write about that but more often than not those times I need to write that or something similar is what’s going on.  And I wish I had people I could just call up and talk with but either I just don’t or those I do are busy/working/outoftown/sick or they’re central to the angst I’m experiencing.  This weekend it was a mix of all of the above and it really doesn’t matter, all that matters is I spent my planned three day vacation alone, feeling lonely, struggling with questions of worth, and doing my best to just put on a happy face while realizing I’ve spent nearly a thousand dollars on a dog I love but who may not be healthy enough to live with people and feeling pretty close to chucking every vestige of Christmas this year and reading books in peace and quiet instead.

Watching Medium, a program about a fictional psychic who helps police solve murder cases, has been thought provoking.  Actually it’s been mind opening. 

I don’t trust myself.  When push comes to shove I don’t trust myself.  It’s not about my loyalty or my integrity or honesty, those things aren’t in question.  I don’t trust my intuition.  I don’t trust my gut.  I don’t completely trust this sixth sense I’ve been gifted with.

You’d think being able to see and experience the things I do would be a wonderful gift and on the surface, on paper, it looks great.  But for a moment imagine that you can see into the hearts and minds of every person you’re close to, imagine you can tell when they aren’t exactly being sincere, when they’re putting something superficial (say a video game or shopping) over you, over me…  It’s not easy.  The simple solutions seems to be just talk about it but what if your friend or significant other really does value whatever it is over you?

Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

It’s often like that in Medium.  She can see things about her husband, her children, sometimes, and it doesn’t exactly make things easier.  But one thing’s very different for her, they’re completely loyal to her no matter how upset they are, no matter how difficult things are, and no matter how dark things are.  Husband looses his job and it causes tension but they support each other and he looks for a new one.  One of the daughter lies about something, gets talked to, does their teenager thing, then they move on and say they love each other.  There’s none of this maybe, no question whether the person will be around the next day.  The only time they wonder about that (with the exception of one episode in season 1) is when they think of the inevitability of death.

Now I can already hear it now, it’s a TV show, Aslynn.  But all fiction is based on reality and without some semblance of footing in the real world we wouldn’t keep watching.  This is especially true in drama where we must empathize with the characters.  And I know, we all want to see a family where despite arguments and troubles everyone holds hands and sings Kumbaya the end of the day, but there’s still some truth here, truth that I’ve seen in real life and in psychological studies.  When people are committed to each other they say and do just that.  That aspect of the program is true to life…and it’s something missing from mine.

I’m a really good guy.  I know that not just because I’ve looked at my resume, but also because another intuitive who barely knew me told me that, someone who’s intuitive I trust as much as my own (perhaps more so).  And I’m an intuitive who wonders how he can use his gift not only for the betterment of others but for his own.  How can I use it to enrich my relationships, to communicate what needs to be said before things go too far along, before I find myself in a place where I’m forced to ask someone to choose between their lifestyle and me?

So this is a wee bit of what’s on my mind and I needed to air it out for a bit.  Don’t know if it’ll do any good.  Anyway, gotta get going this afternoon for another appointment followed by more working from home and watching tv until the late hours when I go to bed, sleep, and sleep some more.  Actually should probably stop at Jo Anne’s Fabrics somewhere in there to pick up some things to finish my mom’s Christmas gift.  That’s life in the fast lane I guess.

Waiting for a miracle,

.a.